I’m Not Sorry. Neither Are You.

by Kris Fleming

I am so sick of apologizing for existing, and we all need you to stop it, too.

Speaking to an old friend the other day with whom I had not connected in a while, she proceeded to chastise herself for not knowing that I had knee surgery recently. First of all, it happened very quickly. One week from receiving the MRI results I was in the operating room. Second, I can’t think of any good reason I should expect her to know something that I didn’t tell her. So why does she seem to have these expectations of herself?

Many of us have been trained and molded throughout life to believe, consciously or subconsciously, that we should be small, and quiet, and not obtrusive in any way. Back in my corporate days, I was once written up by HR for “being intimidating.” I remember at that moment thinking how I put forth a lot of effort to smile often, be kinder than necessary, apologize for interrupting even if I didn’t interrupt, and generally be easily likeable. I was a foster kid – I HAD to be easily liked to survive! And I was very good at it. Yet, there I was being written up for the first time in my life, and the charge was “being intimidating.” At that moment I also thought, “No, if you are intimidated, that’s not my fault.” And I think that for me that was the beginning of the end of apologizing for taking up space.

Recently speaking with another friend, she was sharing something that was upsetting for her and she apologized for having strong emotions. She wasn’t yelling at me or being in any way unkind to me. She is a human who was having strong negative emotions. I gently stopped her and said something that I have had to tell myself and other people I care about many times:

The world is big enough for all that you are, and all of your feelings. You are allowed to have them and you do not have to shut them down to make anyone else more comfortable.

When we have strong emotions, we often try to temper them, whether positive or negative. We do this to make ourselves to make us more palatable to other humans. If we make other people uncomfortable, they might not want to be around us. Consider that, even today, often in tightly-knit or closed communities, any behavior outside of the accepted norm is deemed unacceptable and often viewed as dangerous. For example, if someone is “too happy,” they are perceived as having lower intellect and of being easily taken advantage of. If someone expresses unacceptable levels of anger or indignation, they are often viewed as being guilty or mean-spirited. If someone is “too sad,” they may be deemed by the community as lazy or dramatic. Because we are a tribal species interdependent on one another for survival, it is largely inescapable that we feel driven to contrive ourselves to be acceptable in the eyes of others.

Yet, what if, instead of the social expectation of making ourselves smaller or contrived, we embrace the emotional intelligence and deeper understanding provided by having the wisdom of history at our fingertips and in our pockets? What if we lead with the expectation of making room for everyone, even those who are comfortable enough with their own humanity to more fully express it? Certainly there is a conversation to be had about mutual respect, but where does respect for you overlap with disrespect for myself? It happens in that moment that I choose to tell you a polite lie that you will accept rather than an uncomfortable truth that may affront your sensibilities, and instead dealing with the ramifications of the uncomfortable truth on my own. That’s when the overlap between us happens.

The irony is that, by dealing with it on my own, I actually create a barrier between you and I, thereby eroding our relationship and the structure of our interdependency in our tribal society. Were I to actually tell you the truth, though it may be disconcerting for both of us, it is more likely to deepen our connection and give us greater empowerment to handle my truth together, as well as giving you the breath to share yours. And isn’t that what a tribe should be? That’s the kind of tribe of which I want to be a part.

I don't know all of the answers, but I do have a radical proposal: instead of making ourselves smaller and apologizing for doing absolutely nothing offensive (or requiring others to do so), let's lead with the expectation that the people around us are magnanimous enough to hold space for humans to be … well, human. I propose that we stop apologizing for taking up space, we stop requiring others to apologize, and we stop allowing it to be normalized in the places we spend our time and energy.

Consider the words of our national treasure, Ms. Dolly Parton, as Truvy Jones in the 1989 film Steel Magnolias,

“I have a strict policy that no one cries alone in my presence.”

I passionately declare that there is nothing wrong with that level of radical presence in the moment and in reality. Don’t say you’re sorry for crying, or that you’re sorry for calling while I’m at dinner. After all, I’m the fool that answered the phone! Save apologies for things that deserve them, like intentional meanness or dishonesty, or stepping on my toes literally. Reserve “sorry” for expressing empathy at the loss of a loved one, or other losses and tragedies for which words become inefficient and ineffective.

I fervently encourage you to believe that the world is big enough for all that you are, and I ask that you make space for others, too. It’s plenty big enough for all of us, and our emotions.

If any time you need a safe space and a safe person, I’m here.

Just please be prepared that I absolutely will cry with you, unapologetically.

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